Are You Unknowingly Gaslighting Others?

When we hear the word gaslighting, most of us immediately picture the manipulative villain in a toxic relationship, the person who twists facts, denies the truth, and makes their partner feel like they are losing their grip on reality. It is easy to think of gaslighting as something other people do.

But what if gaslighting is not always intentional? What if, without realizing it, we sometimes engage in behaviors that make others question their feelings, perceptions, or memories?

Identifying our use of gaslighting is a brutal truth to confront, but identifying our gaslighting is an important one. While gaslighting is often associated with deliberate abuse, it can also show up subtly in everyday interactions when we dismiss, belittle, or minimize another person’s lived experience. Even if unintentional, the impact can still be harmful.

Let's explore what it means to gaslight, how it can sneak into our relationships without us noticing, and what steps we can take to break the cycle.

What Exactly Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone causes another person to doubt their reality, feelings, or memories. At its core, it is about undermining another person’s trust in themselves.

Classic examples include denying something that happened, shifting blame, or insisting someone is “overreacting” when they share how they feel. Over time, these patterns can make the other person second-guess themselves so much that they lose confidence in their judgment.

While many cases of gaslighting are intentional and controlling, it can also happen unintentionally. Maybe you dismiss a friend’s feelings because you would not have reacted the same way. Or perhaps you brush off a partner’s concern with a sarcastic comment, not realizing it makes them feel small or invisible.

Even if we do not mean harm, these behaviors can still have the same effect of making someone doubt themselves.

The Fine Line Between Disagreement and Gaslighting

Not every disagreement or misunderstanding is gaslighting. Disagreeing with someone’s perspective is normal. So is having a different memory of an event.

Gaslighting, however, goes a step further. It does not just say, “I see things differently.” It says, “You are wrong to feel the way you feel. Your version of reality does not count.”

For example:

• Disagreement: “I remember it differently, but let us figure out what happened.”

• Gaslighting: “That never happened. You are imagining things.”

• Disagreement: “I do not think that is what I meant when I said it.”

• Gaslighting: “You are being too sensitive. Stop overreacting.”

The difference lies in whether the other person’s reality is acknowledged or dismissed.

How We May Unknowingly Gaslight Others

The self-assessment created by the Resilience and Wellbeing Network highlights some of the most common ways people engage in gaslighting, sometimes without even realizing it.

1. Denying or Lying About Our Actions

Have you ever said something hurtful in the heat of the moment and later denied saying it, even when the other person clearly remembers? That denial, especially if repeated, can cause deep self-doubt.

2. Calling Someone “Too Sensitive”

When someone expresses hurt, it is tempting to deflect by accusing them of overreacting. But phrases like “You are too sensitive” or “You are being irrational” invalidate their emotions and send the message that their feelings do not matter.

3. Guilt-Tripping or Shaming

Sometimes we make others feel responsible for things that are not their fault, which can sound like, “Look what you made me do,” or “If you really cared, you would…” Over time, guilt becomes a tool of control.

4. Dismissing Feelings or Experiences

Minimizing someone’s feelings with phrases such as “It is not a big deal” or “You are making a mountain out of a molehill” can chip away at their ability to trust their emotional responses.

5. Using Sarcasm or Mockery

Sarcasm might seem harmless, but when it is used to belittle, it erodes trust. Jokes at someone else’s expense can leave them wondering if their concerns will ever be taken seriously.

6. Shifting the Blame

It is human nature to deflect blame, but repeatedly blaming others for our mistakes not only avoids accountability, it also makes others question whether they are at fault when they are not.

7. Withholding Affection as Punishment

Intentionally pulling away emotionally to “teach someone a lesson” is another subtle form of manipulation. It creates an environment where love and support feel conditional.

8. Isolating Someone from Support

Isolating someone does not have to mean forbidding someone from seeing their friends. It could be repeatedly discouraging them from reaching out to others or planting seeds of doubt about the people they trust.

9. Undermining Confidence

If we frequently question someone’s choices, such as saying “Are you sure that is a good idea?” we may unintentionally make them doubt their abilities or judgment.

10. Creating a “Walking on Eggshells” Environment

When people feel like they constantly have to monitor their words or actions to avoid conflict, it often means gaslighting behaviors are present.

Why We Do It, Often Without Realizing

Unintentional gaslighting often stems from defensiveness, insecurity, or habits we have picked up over time. For example:

• Defensiveness: Denying something we said or did because we do not want to feel guilty.

• Fear of conflict: Using sarcasm or mockery to avoid vulnerability.

• Learned behavior: Repeating patterns we witnessed in our families growing up.

• Power dynamics: Unconsciously trying to maintain control in relationships.

It does not necessarily mean we are bad people. It means we have blind spots, and the first step to change is becoming aware of them.

The Hidden Impact of Gaslighting

Even if it is unintentional, gaslighting can leave lasting damage. When people are repeatedly told their feelings do not matter or their memory is flawed, they may:

• Struggle with self-doubt

• Feel anxious about speaking up

• Lose confidence in their judgment

• Withdraw emotionally from the relationship

Often, they will not confront us about it. Instead, they will quietly internalize the harm.

How to Break the Cycle

The good news is that once we recognize these behaviors in ourselves, we can change them.

1. Practice Active Listening

Instead of dismissing someone’s feelings, try to hear them out fully. Acknowledge what they are experiencing, even if you do not agree with every detail.

2. Use Empathetic Language

Simple phrases such as “I can see why that upset you” or “That was not my intention, but I understand how it felt that way” can validate someone’s experience without sacrificing your perspective.

3. Own Your Mistakes

If you catch yourself denying or shifting blame, pause and take accountability. Saying “You are right, I did say that. I am sorry” is powerful.

4. Be Mindful of Humor

Check whether your sarcasm or jokes come at someone else’s expense. If they do, it might be time to shift your humor to something that uplifts rather than tears down.

5. Reflect on Your Triggers

Ask yourself: When am I most likely to dismiss others? Is it when I am tired, stressed, or feeling insecure? Understanding your patterns can help you interrupt them.

6. Create Safe Spaces for Dialogue

Let people in your life know that their feelings are valid, and encourage them to share openly. Respond with curiosity rather than defensiveness.

A Commitment to Awareness

The self-assessment created by the Resilience and Wellbeing Network is not about labeling yourself as a bad person. It is about shining a light on blind spots so we can choose healthier ways of relating.

We have all had moments where we dismissed, mocked, or minimized someone else. What matters most is whether we are willing to recognize those moments and do better moving forward.

Final Thoughts

Gaslighting does not always look like the dramatic manipulations we see in movies. Sometimes, it looks like sarcasm, defensiveness, or dismissive words in everyday conversations. And while these behaviors may be unintentional, the impact can still be deeply felt.

The invitation here is simple: reflect on your words and actions. Ask yourself whether you are making space for others’ feelings and experiences, or unintentionally pushing them aside. Awareness is the first step toward building more honest, compassionate, and respectful relationships.

Ready to Learn More About Yourself?

Curious about whether you might be unknowingly gaslighting others? The best way to find out is through honest reflection.

Take the Are You Gaslighting Others? Self-Assessment today and uncover the patterns that may be shaping your relationships.